Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I'm only happy when it rains...[Okay not really.]

Sons of Anarchy is epic. Just sayin'. I fucking love that show. Caught up on the two episodes I was behind tonight. Huzzah. And happened to hear a quote that makes a lot of sense. "The older we get, the more we realize we aren't who we thought we were." Life lately has been nothing but me stuck inside my head. And trust me, my head is sometimes the most chaotic place to be stuck. My life over the past year has been a mixture of chaos and bliss.

And here is why:
~I have two of the most amazing children I have ever met and I don't say that because they are mine, although I am fully biased. They make me happy, but they drive me completely fucking batshit as well. Tonight, at bedtime, is an example. Jhon decides to throw the world's worst tantrum because he wants to sleep with me -- I am talking throwing himself to the ground, kicking, screaming, telling me I am the meanest mommy ever, leaping out of bed no sooner than I put him in it, refusing to brush his teeth so that I have to, etc etc etc and so on. Nights like this make me feel like I am, in fact, the worst mommy ever. I hate taking things away from my kids that they love, but their actions have consequences and I must be the one to teach them this. I know he loves me and I know I'm not the worst mommy ever and tomorrow will be a new day of hugs and tantrums and regardless of how insane I think it is making me, I love every minute of it.
~Choices I made a year ago changed my life and my children's lives forever. I struggle with this on the daily. I know that I went about it the wrong way, but it was the right choice. I just wish that I could get past the dwelling on the negative part of that aspect. And it does make me feel like I have no fucking clue who I am sometimes because I was someone else for so long.
~My dad seems to think that I am a 15 year old girl and can't make the right choices and need to be told what to do. My stepmom has repeatedly said that my dad and I are identical in the way we brood over something and just keep it in or hide out in our little pissed off state avoiding the world. I just want to yell that I am a fucking grown up for fucks sake, but I am to passive for that. So I will just hide out and make a grr face all night.
~I have learned that sometimes when you aren't expecting it that really fucking amazing things [in this case a person] can happen to you. Most of the time I don't think I deserve him, and truth be told, I probably fucking don't but I am working on that whole letting it happen thing. He makes things less complicated in my head. And he makes things in my heart go BOOM! 
~I really fucking miss my friends. I am not one to develop close relationships with females. As a general rule of thumb, most of us suck balls. Females are catty bitches and being around each other is so much fail. But I lucked up and found a handful that I love like they are sisters and they fucking rock.
~Do you realize how much 70 pounds is? I really didn't. I still don't some days and when I look in the mirror I don't notice anything different. I still feel like I weigh 500 pounds [and no, I wasn't even close to 500 pounds to begin with -- 286.4 which is close enough to 300 to just be amg.] and that babies and small animals should hide for fear that I might digest them whole and reach for another. I was looking at pictures the other day and found one of me sitting on Jhons lap at New Years a few years ago...Ho Le Chit -- I am not sure how HIM or the fucking chair survived. I miss going to the gym and working out. I need to remedy that. I think I am going to start running the track around the park in the morning when I drop the spawn off to school. I already eat pretty decently. It makes me down right giddy to know that I am close to weighing what I did pre-spawn. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!
~Ingesting beef and pork -- A big no no for me. I decided to eat chili tonight and I won't be doing that anymore unless its the vegetarian / chicken kind. I feel so utterly blech right now. Don't get me wrong, the chili was fantastic. But I feel disgusting when I eat beef or pork now.

And so...the meaning of all of this? The doctor was correct in his prescribing me anxiety medicine to make my brain just calm down so that I don't keep thinking and dwelling and not being able to sleep. :]

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